Coz That's Just Who I Am This Week
by Ashimattack
Summary: Ed is trapped in a timeloop and reliving the same day over and over, Al has become a pimp and Winry built a super fast jet plane to central. um.. what?
1. Let's meet Jordan

**ok my internet is being a lame piece of shizzang so i have been forced to find another way to entertain myself.**

**This involves writing a total crackfic that isn't really about anything...**

**I thought you might enjoy it**

**(i hope you dooo)**

**Ash**

**--**

Jordan stood outside his master's chamber, awaiting his command.

He wanted to enter but he wasn't sure what Tempas would say, was coming into his chamber a bit too forward?

Would Tempas go for a guy like him?

He knew that there was a lot of other "personal slaves" (wink wink) that had a **thing** for Tempas, but honestly who wouldn't?

He was the sexiest thing since sliced bread.

And sliced bread is pretty darn sexy.

Well at least Jordan thought so.

But he wasn't what you'd call an **average **kid.

Example:

_ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: hey Jordan, wanna go do some mindless repetitive task?_

_JORDAN: what did you have in mind?_

_ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: I dunno, football, soccer, hide and go seek?_

_JORDAN: aah no thanks... _

_ONE OF JORDANS FRIENDS: but don't you wanna become a professional AFL_** (1)**_ player when you're older, like __**every other boy**_

_JORDAN: no, I wanna become a busker!_

Jordan sighed at the memory, three years ago and he still hadn't achieved his goal.

Instead he was in the underworld being a personal slave to a hot stud.

_Actually that sounds better than being dirty, spat on and half starved all the time... _

Jordan thought for a moment and then examined himself

_Actually it's about the same, except I'm not allowed to play my ukulele_

Tempas absolutely **forbade **the use of any stringed instruments; sadly this included Jordan's famed ukulele. Which Tempas had torn apart the moment Jordan entered his care.

Jordan's reminiscing was interrupted when another of Tempas' "personal slaves" (wink wink) opened the door he had been standing in front of for the last ten minutes.

Or so he thought.

'Jordan!' barked Tempas 'what the hell were you doing out there? I've been calling you to enter for the last **five hours!**'

'Five hours?'

'Ok so maybe it was more like twenty minutes but... DONT ANSWER BACK!'

'Yes sir, sorry sir'

'Better, now you said you had news for me?'

Jordan cleared his throat, this was it!

'We have located the one you were looking for' he said proudly

Tempas stared at him, his face slowly changing for angry to hopeful.

'You have? You've **finally **found Wally?'

'Uuh no... We found the alchemist'

Tempas looked confused

'The who now?'

'The alchemist' Jordan repeated 'the full metal alchemist?'

Tempas' face didn't show any understanding.

'Uuh yes, of course' he said 'remind me why we were looking for him again?'

'Because he's the chosen one who is about to...'

He was cut off by Tempas

'Oh yes of course, I think we **all** know **who **he is. No need to explain'

'Of course sire, would you like me to follow him?'

'**Excuse me, but** **I will call the shots here!**' said Tempas angrily. 'Follow him around!'

Jordan forced a smile, Tempas **was **cute. But he was also a pompous jerk and he wanted to wring his neck ever time he opened his mouth.

But he was bigger than Jordan.

And he had magical powers.

And he was cute.

'Shall I leave now?' he asked

'Of course, but take this first'

Tempas threw a bag of "magic pixie dust" (wink wink) at Jordan.

'Uuh what is it?'

'The best thing since sliced bread!' said Tempas.

Jordan immediately went into his favourite fantasy, the one where he was ruler of the entire planet and Tempas was his queen and they enjoyed using sliced bread to... well I probably don't need to go on any further.

You can just use your imagination.

But I will tell you one thing, Jordan is a kinky son of a yaoi

Jordan was snapped out of his fantasy when he felt a bolt of magic hit him.

Jordan looked up with a questioning look and Tempas just looked bored.

'You went into a dream state, you have been for the last five hours so I decided to give you a bolt of magic to wake you up'

'Oh...'

'It shouldn't be a problem, although you **might** end up with a few horrifying nightmares and chronic diarrhoea.'

Jordan didn't much like the sound of that...

'And you might also have a few magical powers now'

Jordan's ears pricked up.

Magic you say?

'What kind?' he asked slyly

'Oh maybe the power to control time for a small amount of time, it will wear off. Which is actually quite ironic seeing as you could probably use the powers to reverse time to when you got them so that you got more and made the time longer.' Tempas said boredly 'anyways I'm sick of looking at you. Go tag this "chosen one" the "full metal alchemist" as you say.'

'He has a name' Jordan said absent mindedly

'Oh really, and what would that be?' Tempas seemed genuinely interested.

'Edward Spool' said Jordan

'Edward Spool? Is that seriously his name?'

'No actually its Edward Elric...'

Tempas' face would have been like this at that moment:

Then it slowly changed to this: .

Ok that didn't look all that angry.

But trust me

He was **angry**

And not just angry, see I bolded it.

That implies **emphasis**

So anyways Jordan realized he was an idiot and got out of there.

Fast

Actually what I mean is, Jordan got out of there. **Fast.**

'gottagocatchalaterbyebyebyexxx' he said very fast.

Yes even the 'x's

He then laughed coz it sounded like he had said a dirty word.

And he was **very** immature.

**--**

**Meanwhile back on earth (ok the fma world)(mega cool world) in Ed and Al's place (I am aware that they don't have a house but for my sake let's just pretend that they do)**

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as **thud**

Ed liked the noise almost as much as he liked hurting things that are smaller than he is (there isn't many things that are). It made him feel like a big man.

Ed looked at the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th. Then he got up from his bed and immediately tripped on a cat that was currently sleeping next to his bed.

He went from there to bashing into the cupboard, then fell back onto the bed.

The cat from the floor immediately started to attack his real leg until he turned his auto mail arm into a **mass sword** and stabbed the shizztic out of it.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Al's **someone-is-stabbing-the-shizztic-out-of-one-of-my-kitties **senses were tingling, so he ran over to where Ed's room was situated and swung the door open.

When he walked into the room the first thing he noticed was that one of his beloved cats had been chucked against the wall.

Then he noticed Ed lying on the bed, writhing in agony, covered in blood.

He walked slowly over to Ed and appeared to be worried about his brother, then he noticed the **other** cat that was currently lying in a **mass** pool of blood with a few knife wounds.

'ED! WHAT THE YAOI DID YOU DO TO FLUFFY McKITTERSONS??'

Ed just stared blankly at him.

'Al, you have no idea how many things about that sentence were just **wrong.** First of all, you actually **named **that thing? It's a rodent Al... Second of all, Fluffy McKittersons? You're just **asking **for him to get bashed at cat school. And last but by no means least, **what the yaoi?** What the yaoi is yaoi?'

Al looked thoughtful.

'I don't know, maybe we should look it up?'

Ed didn't know why but he suddenly got the feeling that this was a very **bad** idea.

As in a **really** _bad_ idea.

'I don't think that's a good idea Al...' he said

'Nonsense!' said Al, who had just opened up a laptop that randomly just appeared in his hands.

Ed stared at it

'Al, where did you get that from?'

'I stole it from some computer shop, it's a few blocks away. Why do you want one?'

'No I mean where did you get it from **just now**, a second ago you didn't have it... also i wouldn't mind one. Do they come in sunshine yellow?'

Al stared at him with a hard expression.

Well since he was a suit of armour I guess he **always** has a hard expression.

But try if you can (you won't be any less of a man if you can't) to imagine an even **harder **expression than that.

Yes **harder.**

That's right, it **does **sound sexual.

Anyways, **back to the story.**

Al stared with a stony face (pardon my pun) at Ed for a few minutes before saying:

'Do you **really **want to know?'

'Well I wouldn't have asked if I didn't...' said Ed, not catching on

So Al stared at him with a **harder **expression, and moved closer to add dramatic effect.

'Really?' he asked

'Yes...' said Ed slowly.

Al moved even closer, he was now so close that he could practically feel Ed's breath on his face.

That is, if he could feel anything.

Which he couldn't

Because he's a suit of armour and all.

But you get the idea.

'Do you really wanna know?' he asked in a deathly whisper.

Ed was actually a little scared by this, so (worried that al might come even **closer**) he shook his head hastily.

Al's expression changed instantly back to normal and he returned to the mysterious laptop (that Ed vowed he would **never **touch) and continued typing away happily.

'No I don't think it does come in sunshine yellow, it comes in flamingo pink though' he said, like nothing has happened

'Oh, what colour is that one?'

'This is Ruby red'

'It's nice'

'Yeah but don't get the same colour as me, that just isn't cool. And you wouldn't want to be **un-cool** now would you?' he asked with that same stony expression as before.

'No definitely not...' Ed said quickly.

'Good' Al said and returned to the laptop

Ed sighed in relief, and then decided to turn on the TV.

There was an old rerun of some anime show.

He couldn't remember the name but it involved some buskers who lived in some village in some country.

'_Im gonna become the next buskerleaderguy if it takes me forever! Listen to it!' _said the most annoying character on the show, Ed couldn't remember his name but he had blonde spiky hair and was probably sleeping with the emo guy.

_Why the heck would someone want to be a busker? _Thought Ed

A million miles away in wherever-the-yaoi-he-likes-to-hang-out (if-you-know-what-I-mean) (wink-wink) Jordan randomly had the urge to punch Ed when he finally met him.

'_As if you could dobe' _smirked the emo guy in the show '_Betcha you couldn't beat me in a busk off'_

'_Betcha I could!' _said the annoying one

'_Come on guys! Stop fighting!' _said the even more annoying chick with pink hair.

But sadly Ed never got to see how this fight panned out because at that exact moment he heard a sharp intake of breath from Al.

Which just makes you think, he's a suit of armour so does he actually **need** to breathe?

Anyways back on topic here...

Al took a sharp intake of breath (guess what **he** just found...) and Ed wondered what it was.

'What's up bro?' he got up to have a look but Al shut the laptop quickly.

'I don't think you wanna see this Aniki...' said Al

Ed was puzzled to say the least.

'Who or what the yaoi is Aniki? And what did you see?' He asked

'Oh nothing brother, don't worry...'

'Uuh ok bro but...' just then Ed noticed the time.

'9:46?? WHAT THE YAOI AL! YOU WERE SUPOSED TO WARN ME! I HAVE A MEETING WITH COLONEL MUSTANG IN LIKE...' he counted on his fingers 'FOURTEEN MINUTES!'

Yes he has fourteen fingers.

He got Winry to add 4 more to his auto mail arm.

You never know when fourteen fingers are gonna come in handy

He quickly ran out the door before Al could say another word.

'But Brother!' Al said 'you haven't gotten dressed yet...'

--

Meanwhile back at HQ Riza was having a deep conversation with a wall.

'So did you hear that Hues was gonna bash up Roy?' she asked it.

Ed chose that moment to run in wildly, and was stopped in his tracks when he happened to catch what she said.

'He is?' he asked, totally forgetting that he had a meeting to get to.

'yeah apparently, but I don't think he will. Wanna put a bet on it?'

'Uuh no thanks I have a meeting to get...'

He was cut off by Mustang flying out of his office, followed by Hues. Who was trying to bash the shizztic out of him.

'TEACH YOU TO TRY AND MOLEST ELISIA!' he screamed.

'WHAT THE YAOI ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I DIDNT YAOIING TOUCH YOUR DAUGHTER YOU YAOIING PSYCHO!'

'YOU'RE GOING DOWN OLD CAR THAT IS ACTUALLY QUITE COOL!'

Mustang stood up and brushed himself down, it was a full five minutes before he got into a fighting stance.

'You are the one who is going down' he said

'You'll be so embarrassed, you'll wish you'd never come to work today!'

'You are the one who is going to be embarrassed and wish you hadn't come to work today!'

'Guess I would've lost that bet...' said Riza

Ed decided to keep that in mind, might come in handy later on.

Hues ran straight at Roy in a mad fit of rage, Roy snapped his fingers and suddenly the whole room was full of fire.

Everyone died instantly.

Yes I'm not kidding.

...

Ok so maybe I lied a little bit.

Not **everyone** died.

Two people were left standing.

One was Roy

'Oh shizztic!' he said 'used a little too mush juice I guess. SORRY EVERYONE!'

The other was Jordan, who had just appeared and realized that he had failed his mission.

_Oh no! _He thought _if I fail then I will never accomplish my dream of being a busker!_

He decided to sit and be emo, since all his dreams were over now anyway.

We searched the room for something sharp that could be used but then had a great idea.

_I have magic now don't I? The power to control time! Why don't i just use it to make time go back a few minutes, then I can stop them from even fighting! Then Ed will be alive and my future plans will be safe! But how do I do this? _He wondered _wait! What does Tempas do?_

Then he remembered so he decided to copy that.

He clapped his hands three times, spun around in a circle and broke into a rousing chorus of 'the longest time'

But as he wasn't a professional he didn't make time go back to the where he wanted it to, instead the day reset itself and it was Thursday morning.

Again.

--

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as **thud**

Ed liked the noise almost as much as he liked hurting things that are smaller than he is (there isn't many things that are). It made him feel like a big man. (Woah de-ja-vu... )

Ed looked at the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

**What the yaoi?**

**--**

**(1) Australian Rules Football for those who aren't of this world... (i.e not Australian)**


	2. What the yaoi is going on?

**I'm bored**

**I shall write my story that does not make sense to cheer myself up**

**Yayayayayayay**

**Ash**

**--f**

Previously:

'_Roy I have to tell you, I'm in love with you. Let us run away and become buskers, living off the land and whatever money we can mooch of randoms. We shall live and breathe each other and every night we will watch the sunset and be so thankful that we have each other, and I will stay with you. And walls will fall before we do! So take my hand and we'll run forever! I can feel the storm inside you! And I will...'_

'_Stop, even though you can so beautifully sing the Goo Goo Dolls, I already told you Riza! We can never get together because I am secretly in love with Jordan'_

'_Who the yaoi is Jordan?'_

'_I'M JORDAN! AND I __**KNOW**__ THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TOOK THE COOKIE FROM THE COOKIE JAR!'_

'_Who me? Couldn't have been'_

'_Then who took the cookie from the cookie jar?'_

'_I know! It was Mr Squiggle!'_

'_What? How could you tell it was me? I used my cleverest disguise and got some plastic surgery as well!'_

'_Well I'm afraid that __**isn't**__ good enough, especially when you have committed such a heinous crime one that questions the morals of all hardworking law-abiding citizens! Even those who work in the silos, the innocent ones who simply came to our country in order to eat our dogs, why shouldn't they be allowed? Who says? Who says! I believe that if I am elected buskerleaderguy I will help our economy and give all hard working ponies their permission to shine!'_

'_Uuh didn't this being with me confessing my love for Roy?'_

'_NO! YOU __**CAN'T **__BE IN LOVE WITH ROY!'_

'_What the yaoi? Hues, what are you doing here I thought you were dead!' _

'_LE GASPE! A SPOILER!'_

'_That's what I wanted you to think with your puny human brain'_

'_Um what?'_

'_Did you just quote futurama?'_

'_And not even __**correctly.**__ Jeez Hues, could you suck __**any **__more?'_

'_Anyway, __**as I was saying**__. YOU __**CAN'T **__BE IN LOVE WITH ROY BECAUSE I AM!'_

'_WHAT?!'_

'_No! __**I **__am the one in love with Roy!'_

'_How the yaoi did Kakashi get here?'_

'_and why the yaoi is he beating the yaoi out of Riza?'_

'_STOP KAKASHI! YOU ARE NOT YOUTHFUL ENOUGH TO OWN THE HEART OF COLONEL MUSTANG! __**OR **__THE HEART OF LEUTENANT HAWKEYE! ONLY ONE AS YOUTHFULL AS ME HAS THE CHARM AND LEVEL OF WIT NEEDED'_

'_Who the yaoi are you?'_

'_I'm Gai...'_

'_That's nice'_

'_Good for you, it's nice that you're all open about it'_

'_Yeah it's like a breath of fresh air on a warm winters evening'_

'_That was... beautiful sob'_

'_Why thank you, would you like to go make sweet yaoi love in a cupboard?'_

'_Of course man'_

'_That was weird.'_

'_And I said __**Gai**__ not __**gay'**_

'_But you just said you were in love with the colonel...'_

'_Oh... well sorry never mind I'm gonna go now'_

'_That was quick'_

'_I know right?'_

'_Some rival __**he **__turned out to be'_

'_At least he isn't as bad as __**my **__rival. __**The damn rat!'**_

'_Ok what the yaoi is Kyo doing here?'_

'_Kyo we have to get out of here, it isn't our fanfic!'_

'_Shut up Yuki! You're not the boss of me!'_

'_Wanna bet you stupid cat?'_

'_Come on! I'll take you __**right now!'**_

'_Could you guys maybe take this elsewhere? Like a furuba fanfic or something?'_

'_Fine whatever. Come on Yuki, __**But don't think this changed anything ya damn rat! We're still fighting the moment we get home'**_

'_Awwww I wanted to watch the fight!'_

'_Who said that?'_

'_Why is the sky blue?'_

'_What is the square root of 49?'_

'_Who the yaoi is even speaking right now?'_

'_It's 7 dumbshizztic'_

'_Who actually killed the radio star?'_

'_Did any of this stuff even happen...'_

'_What? SHUN THE NON BELIEVER!'_

'_**SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!'**_

_--_

_AH HEM_

_I said, __**AH HE HE HEM**_

_On with the actual story eh?_

_--_

Ed looked at the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

He got up from bed and once again tripped on the cat that was sleeping next to his bed.

He then bashed into the cupboard and continued to fall around the room madly (during which he _accidently_ smashed a fan, kicked a hole in the wall and drew a penis on the roof) (heh ill stop stealing stuff from the chasers now) until he finally came to a stop by landing painfully on the bed.

Oh did I say bed?

I meant cat.

Cat is what I meant.

Cat with sharp claws and a short temper.

A cat that didn't much like being sat on.

Actually I'm pretty sure **most **cats don't like being sat on.

But they can't speak so we sit on them anyway.

The cat began to claw at his normal arm then attack his real leg (it knows where the right spots are so it won't get auto mail, well it **should**. Considering this happens most mornings) until Ed turned his auto mail arm into a **mass sword** and stabbed the shizztic out of it.

_Again._

So once again Al's **someone-is-stabbing-the-shizztic-out-of-one-of-my-kitties **senses were tingling, so he once again ran over to where Ed's room was situated and swung the door open.

Do I need to repeat the whole scene?

You **did** read the first chapter...

**Didn't you?**

gives you the famous **Alphonse Deathstare™**

Anyway yada yada yada, Al screamed, Ed stared, Al screamed again, Ed questioned and Al decided to pull out his laptop while Ed tried his hand at flamenco dancing.

Ok I might have made that last bit up.

Or did I?

I guess you'll never know.

...

Ok so I **did** make it up.

But I had you going.

Meanwhile Ed was having the strangest sense of de-ja-vu

'Al do you think something weird is going on right now?'

'Like what brother?'

'I dunno... like... I had this _crazy ass _dream last night...'

'What happened brother?'

'...like I have no idea what the yaoi I was smoking but man it was shizztistic!'

'What happened brother?'

'...but i haven't felt myself coming down yet, like... usually it wears off after a bit but this time i guess it just...'

'WHAT THE YAOI HAPPENED BROTHER!?' asked Al, while including his world famous **Alphonse Deathstare™.**

Ed was a little freaked, he hated the deathstare. It should be illegal.

He vowed then and there that if when he became the buskerleaderguy the first thing he would do it ban all deathstares.

And that was a fact.

'Brother' Al said in a deathly calm voice. 'Tell me. What the yaoi happened'

He was obviously getting very annoyed.

Well I guess Ed **did** just blank out for about ten minutes.

'Uuh well I uuh guess uh... th... this happened' stuttered Ed

'What do you mean brother?'

'Well I mean that... this whole day, well everything so far. Well not everything but most of it. Some has changes; it's weird and hard to explain.'

'Well what did you do next in your dream brother?'

'Well I turned on the TV and some repeat of a show was on... you know that anime one about the buskers?'

'I'm not really sure brother, why don't you turn on the TV and check. Brother'

'Ok' Ed turned on the TV and **what do you know **that same anime show (the one about the buskers) was on.

But since he turned it on later this time it was a little further into the plot, but still the same episode. Don't want to confuzzle anyone.

Wait this story doesn't make any sense anyways...

Just ignore me

But keep reading...

'_Ok dobe, now I'm gonna use my special __**Sharinguitar!**__ That will totally beat you in this busk off!' the emo guy pulled out his special Sharinguitar, that was red with cool patterns on it and started to __**rock on like it was 1984! **__But not quite since its 2008 and rock is kinda shizztic now._

'_Your Sharinguitar is no match for my __**Shadow Clarinet!**__' said the annoying one as he pulled out his clarinet and played some classical jazz music._

'_Guys if you don't stop fighting I'll be forced to call the sensei on you, because I don't actually do anything until Shippu__**dundundunROCK**__! And don't forget he __**also**__ has a Sharinguitar... __**and **__he can play it better than __**you, **__even if it wasn't always his, it still counts...'_

Once again Ed was interrupted by a sharp intake of breath by Al

'What is it Alphonse?' asked Ed

'I don't think you wanna see this brother' said Al as he quickly closed the laptop.

'Uuh ok...' said Ed, still puzzled

'So err what was the next thing that happened in your dream brother?'

'Well I checked the time because I had that meeting with the colonel and it was... HOLY SHIZZTIC! ALHPONSE, WHAT IS THE TIME?!'

Al checked the time on the clock that Jordan had already set earlier this morning to 9:00.

The clock that Ed **could **have checked himself, but was too lazy.

'its 9:00 brother, I wouldn't let you oversleep you have your meeting with mustang at 10'

Ed sighed in relief; at least this was going better than his dream.

'I know' he said 'I just told you... maybe I should start getting ready. Knowing my luck **something **will probably slow me down anyway'

'Ok brother' said Al with a malicious grin in his eyes.

Yes you can grin in your eyes.

If you are a suit of armour.

Don't try this at home kids.

'Uuh Al, did you just grin in your eyes? Don't we need some kind of warning for that?'

'Don't you need some kind of warning for your face whenever you go out in public?'

'Ouch brah, harsh! But seriously did you mean anything by that? Anything I should probably know about... seeing as I am the main character'

'Maybe I did brother, maybe I didn't. Why don't you just hurry up and get ready for your meeting with mustang... dear brother...'

Ed was well and truly **freaked out** by his little (big) brother so he decided to just get some breakfast on the way to HQ.

'Yeah ok I'm gonna go now.'

Al seemed disappointed.

'Why Brother?'

'Because I Uuh... Don't wanna be late! I will grab something on the way to Roy's.'

'Want me to come with you brother?'

'Why do you keep calling me brother?'

'Well I guess that since we're brothers we should act more like brothers. In this anime i watched the little brother always called his older brother 'Aniki' I thought we should have something like that, but in English obviously. What do you think brother?'

'Um... let me think about it.'

'...'

'...'

'...?'

'...'

'...'

'...'

'...??'

'...'

'396938695830u6309386337'

'What?'

'Nothing brother'

'Uh ok that's cool... anyways no'

--

When Ed reached HQ he was shocked to see burning flames shooting sky high from the building.

What the yaoi?

When the fire died down a enough that he could step inside he did, and came to see a very guilty looking Roy standing in the middle of the room surrounded by the charred bodies of his former crew.

'Sorry' he said 'my bad'

Ed stared in shock.

Roy cleared his throat.

'Uuh Fullmetal. You just missed the... erm horrible gas fire that just occurred'

'b...b...but... there wasn't a gas fire it was your...'

In a second Roy was standing in front of him holding a knife that had miraculously out of nowhere into his hand to Ed's throat in a threatening motion.

Well I guess there isn't really any way possible to hold a knife to someone's throat in a non-threatening motion.

So that was kind of unnecessary.

Oh well, I think you'll live.

Jordan, who was standing in the background watching, frantically started waving his arms around uselessly.

He doesn't really do anything at the moment, but I needed to add him in now, so you know he's there later.

Ok?

Got it?

Got it.

On with whatever Jordan was thinking.

Actually I don't think we need to know the full extent as to what Jordan was thinking, so here's just the plot related stuff:

_Ed could __**not**__ die again!_

wow that **was** plot moving

'I said, it's a shame about the gas fire that occurred here this morning, **isn't it Fullmetal**' Roy said threateningly

'Uhh yes of c..c..Course Mustang... I mean **Lieutenant Colonel Mustang'** Ed stuttered out

Roy's expression changed instantly

'Good! Now let's go get something to eat'

'Actually I just ate'

Roy fixed him with his own version of the **Alphonse death stare™.**

Which was about as **deadly **as the original.

'I mean, I'd be happy to join you for some brunch Roy'

'Excellent'

Jordan decided to follow them, stealthily standing a few metres behind them.

**Because stealth is wealth.**

--

Ed and Roy continued walking till they reached a cute little restaurant in town.

'So... uuh Colonel. What did you want to talk to me about?' asked Ed uncertainly

'I'm sorry Wha?'

'We had a meeting scheduled for' Ed glanced at his watch coz someone had stolen his state alchemist pocket watch thing 'two and a half hours ago? What the yaoi?!'

'What? Oh yes. THAT meeting. Well i had an important matter to discuss with you'

'Oh really?'

'Yes. An important mission. A **very **important mission.'

Ed's ears pricked up, an important mission eh?

'What is it?' he asked

'Well we need someone to send the Lord of Dogtown an extremely important email, complaining about the lack of cup holders in the theatre of his town'

Ed was honoured, what an important mission!

'Of course sir, what should my letter say?'

'It should mention that his facilities were not of a high standard and as the lord of Dogtown he should fix it immediately, or we will send in a state alchemist to take him out'

'Sounds like a totally important mission sir'

'Indeed it is Fullmetal, you should treat it with total respect and not act lightly. The email should be sturdy and durable, as well as maintaining a light and effective weight so its easy to carry around without weighing you down. It should also have a crunchy base with a light crispy coat, that will be a tasty snack whilst not adding to your waist, so you can not feel guilty. And finally it should be able to answer any questions about injuries at work or anything that needs answering about the medical conjunction of infamous rocksplurting so that abseiling grasshoppers should be able to understand the genetic physics that are involved in the mental combobulaoring of the yellow footed rock wallaby in relation to the basic instincts of dragonflies.'

Ed has absolutely no idea what so ever as you what the yaoi Roy was just talking about for the last ten minutes but he knew one thing.

He had just been assigned the most important mission of his life.

This would determine whether he was just an average little kid or if he was the mighty majestic wonderfully amazing super popular super brilliant totally funny and awesomely awesome full metal alchemist.

This was his chance to shine!

And he would've gotten away with it too had a truck not just run into the restaurant they were eating at.

Damn.

Jordan was watching all this from side stage (just off-screen) and was totally **yaoi'd**.

How bloody hard was it to keep one teenager alive to complete a simple task?

He sighed and then he once again clapped his hands three times, spun around in a circle and broke into a rousing chorus of 'the longest time'

And once again time resetted back to Thursday morning.

Again.

--

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as **thud**

He quickly checked the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

**NOT AGAIN**


	3. Dear Mr Mayor

**Uuh hey y'all 14 people who have read this story.**

**I do it for you**

**Actually I do it for me, all for me**

**-nodnod-**

**Ash**

**Previously in this story that has a really long name and I can't be bothered typing it here, even though by typing this instead it ends up being about three times as long but shut up and read the story**

**--**

'I'm sorry Fuery, I can't marry you because I'm in love with Havoc!'

'What? But Havoc is the one you're supposed to leave for Roy'

'Yeah! You're not supposed to wanna be with me! You're supposed to get with Roy...'

'what? Did someone call me twice? Do I need to steal a girl off havoc?'

'no, that's not necessary'

'I can get with Roy if it is necessary...'

'What? Wait! What? What am I saying! Stay with me, we'll get married and eat frogurt'

'ok!'

**Yeah I lied, that only happened in Havoc's dreams. Here's what **_**actually**_** happened:**

'I'm sorry Fuery, I can't marry you because... I'M IN LOVE WITH ARMSTRONG!'

**Ok. That's just disturbing.**

**Here's what actually happened:**

'I'm sorry Havoc, I can't marry you because... I'M IN LOVE WITH BROSH!'

'oh that's cool.'

'yes I **am** serious! We've secretly been dating for two months and I know it hurts now but soon you'll find someone really special... wait did you just say that was ok?'

'yeah, I hope you two are happy. You really deserve it'

'for cereal?'

'yeah. I've decided not to get upset when a girl rejects me. I'm kinda used to it now. Besides I've been having an affair with a rhinoceros for a while now.'

'uuh... that's really cool and all but...'

'Hey y'all! Ross here to move the plot foreword and end all awkward moments!'

'oh thank god'

'believe me, god had nothing to do with it babe'

'when did Jiraiya get here?'

'oh he came with me'

'uuh Ross you **do** realize that he is a sexual predator who likes to watch girls bathe?'

'yeah, he makes me feel pretty'

'THIS SCENE IS REMINDING ME OF EPIOSDE 37, IN THAT IT IS SERIOUSLY LACKING TE SEXY EDWARD AND ALPHONSE ELRIC!'

'go away random Ed and Al fangirl'

'did someone say Ed fangirl?'

'OMG! ITS MY ED-MUFFIN!'

'I said Ed AND Al fangirl'

'AL TO THE RESCUE!'

'OMG! IT'S MY AL-BOX!'

'oh i'll be your Al-box allright, lets go _play'_

'can someone get her out of here?'

'yeah him too'

'but she's hot!'

'I thought you loved me!!'

'uuh...'

'Jiraiya, just go back to Naruto'

'Okiedokey'

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'

'Ross! Never fear! I shall be your knight in shining armour! I will stand by you! I could stay lost in this moment forever, because every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure! And I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep! Coz id miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing! And even when I dream of you, the sweetest dream will never do I'd still miss you babe, and I don't wanna miss a thing!'

'gosh Brosh, that was beautiful...'

'dude that totally rhymed!'

'hey it did!'

'high-five!'

'no'

'was it just me or did Brosh's poem sound slightly familiar...'

'oh thanks Brosh, you're such a great pal and partner you know?'

'sweatdrop'

'Sexy-sweatdrop'

'suit-of-armour-style-sweatdrop'

'sexier-than-Ed's-sweatdrop'

'desperate-sweatdrop'

'cry'

'grin'

**Um yeah you'd probably like me to get on with it now.**

**So here's what **_**actually really truly **_**happened in the last episode.**

**I mean chapter.**

**Wait didn't you read the last chapter?**

**Oh well**

**Here's the final like, sentence...**

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with as **thud**

He quickly checked the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

**NOT AGAIN**

**NOW WE CAN BEGIN!**

--

Ed decided he was going crazy.

What the hell kept happening?

Why did the day keep restarting?

Why the hell did he actually have that braid?

Could he stand to lose a few?

Would that make him grow?

Was there any way to make him grow?

Was there any way he could force al to shrink?

Was there a way to for EVERYONE to shrink?

And if he DID do that, would he then be that one freakishly tall person?

Would that be better than that short guy?

Was he actually **the** short guy?

Could he possibly find someone shorter but older?

Maybe some kind of midget..?

Could you **find** any midgets in this part of the world?

Maybe a leprechaun?

Maybe some kind of midget-leprechaun?

And for that matter, where the hell **was** he in the world?

Was he even in the world?

Could you buy canned bread in this world?

Why was he asking about **this** world, he _lives_ in this world!

Will he die now, coz that last question was actually a statement?

Why do you sometimes put exclamation marks t the end of statements?

Why not put a question mark?

I enjoy cheese?

Did he actually enjoy cheese?

Could you even **buy** cheese in this world?

Were there cows in this world?

No there **must** be cows coz they had a tractor!

Maybe the tractor was for sheep?

Why would they have sheep and not cows?

No they would have to have sheep or else they'd have no wool!

They'd also have to have cows, or else where would they get the leather?

Why the hell did everyone wear leather?

Why the hell was **he** wearing leather?

He supposed it made him look sexy.

He looked in the mirror and liked what he saw

_Oh yeah, who's hotter out of me and Roy? Me... Definitely me_

_Back on track!_

Ed thought long and hard but only managed to get an answer for one of the questions.

Why **did** he have a braid?

It just got in the way and made him considerably less sexy.

Wait a second; didn't he have something to do?

THE LETTER!

But how would he do it?

He would complete it soon...

But if he sends it via post-box it won't arrive in Dogtown for at least a week.

Why not an email?

He realized that he didn't have a computer

But Al did...

He quickly ran to the kitchen, only tripping three times on various cats

--

Al was busy watching his favourite anime about buskers.

'_Notice how I'm not even using my sharinguitar? You're obviously not much competition dobe'_

'_Grr I'll teach you! __**RECORDENGAN!'**_

'_**CHIDORUMSS!'**_

_They sent both of their attacks full speed towards each other at full impact, it surely would have been fatal if their sensei hadn't intervened._

But sadly we may never know how that fight concluded, because Ed sadly chose that moment to come hurtling through the room, sadly having just tripped on a cat. Sadly.

'you really oughta be more careful where you step brother! You might hurt one of my cats.'

'is it just me or do you seem to have more cats each day?'

'no brother you're being silly, of course it isn't just you! I'm always getting more cats'

'...'

'what is it brother?'

'nothing... can I borrow your laptop?'

'of course not brother, what do you need it for?'

'I need to send a **very **important email to the lord of Dogtown regarding the cup holders in his cinemas'

'wow brother, that **is** an important mission'

'I know, now may I borrow your laptop?'

'yaoi no'

'and why the yaoi not?'

'because you might break it'

'what? Me? Break **your** laptop? Who is the elegant one here?'

'do you really want me to answer that?'

'not really... but... please?'

'no'

'please?'

'no brother'

'please?'

'no brother'

'please'

'no brother'

'please'

'no brother'

'no brother'

'you're a yaoi-head brother'

'fine. I'm calling Winry'

'what?! Why brother?'

'because maybe **she** can make you let me use your laptop'

'what makes you think that?'

'coz its kinda obvious that you are madly in love with her'

'uuh.. you are too brother'

'no actually I'm getting with Colonel Mustang I mean.. yes I am totally heterosexual and lusting for Winry. I'm gonna go call her'

--

Ed got off the phone to Winry, who said she would be there in ten minutes.

How the hell she was gonna get from Risenbool to central in just ten minutes he had no idea.

But Ed and Al decided to watch the anime show about buskers until she got there.

_The emo guy was currently tied to a tree by their sensei and was getting a stern lecture against his will._

'_That is not the type of attack you use on a __**team-mate **__emo guy!'_

'_Why the yaoi don't you use my name?'_

'_coz I don't want to. Wanna fight about it?'_

'_sure! I'll take you on!'_

'_**HA**__ nice try buddy, but you're tied to a tree and completely at my mercy'_

'_god, what is it with all the old guys wanting to get with me in this show?'_

'_I dunno, you are fair sexy'_

'_yeah I guess' the emo guy does classic (but sexy) emo swish of hair_

'_goddammit! Stop it! I'm trying to lecture you!'_

'_fine' the emo guy stops flicking his hair, to the disappointment of many fangirls._

**DING DONG**

'that must be Winry, go get the door brother'

'why don't **you** get it?'

Al gave Ed his classic Alphonse Deathstare™

'or I could, you know. Not an issue'

Ed got up and answered the door; as soon as he did he was greeted with a glomp from Winry.

'hey Winry! Just wondering, how the hell did you get here so fast?'

'I used my magical superfast jetplane **(1)** that I set up underground, so I could come and see you more often!'

'uuh... sounds great' said Ed, not really sure what the yaoi she was on about

'anyways, where's my Al-box!?'

'what's with the Al-box thing?'

'just my new nickname brother, I'm like an Xbox. But better. Hey Winry, wanna go _play..?'_

'Al you're like ten...'

'Ed, Al just turned 14... And he's taller than you...'

Ed proceeded to cry in his emo corner.

Yeah i know, a little bit out of character but **everyone** makes him say something like:

'**WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE GETS EATEN BY ANTEATER ANTS WHO MISTAKE HIM FOR THE TINY TINY ANTS THAT ANTEATER ANTS EAT THAT ARE SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE CONFUSE THEM FOR SPECKS AND GLARE AT THEM FOR NO REASON BUT THEY ARE STUPID AND WISH TO EAT BUTTERCUPS OR THEY WILL DIE OF MALNUTRITION, THAT WOULDNT BE THAT HARD TO FIX BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNWS THAT REMOTES ARE USED TO TURN ON ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT OR DEVISES BUT CAN ALSO BE USED TO TURN THEM OFF OR CHANGE THE CHANNEL BUT NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS AND WHY DONT PEOPLE LISTEN WHEN I RANT PEOPLE REALLY OUGHTA HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS WELL NOT EXACLTY ELDER COZ IM YOUNGER THEN YOU BUT I KEEP MY MONEY IN A MONEY BOX WELL ITS NOT EXACLTY A MONEY BOX BUT A CUP AND ITS NOT EXACLTY A CUP BUT A MUG AND ITS NOT EXACLTY A MUG COZ ITS A PLASTIC BAG BUT IT DOESNT MATTER ALL THAT MUCH BECUASE ELEPHANTS WILL STILL TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!'**

See why I decided to give him an emo corner instead?

Anyways Al was being a pimp, Ed was being Emo and Winry was being clueless.

What else is new?

**ANYWAYS**

**Back to the story**

'ok Winry the whole reason I called you here today is because Al won't let me use his computer, can you make him?'

'Al will you let Ed use your laptop?'

'Of course'

Ed stared at him in shock

'WTY!? WHY COULDN'T I USE IT BEFORE!!'

'because you didn't say please brother'

'dude I said please like fifty times!!'

'well obviously not loud enough coz I didn't hear you properly'

Ed huffed (and puffed and **blewwwwwwwwwwww the house down!**) and took the ruby red laptop to try and send an email.

This led us to his next dilemma.

What should he say?

He decided to try something:

--

Dear Lord of Dogtown,

My name Is Edward Elric and I am a state alchemist from whatever country I come from, I am sending this email because you do not have enough cup holders in your cinemas.

Sincerely Ed.

--

Ed decided that this was terrible and not forefull enough, he needed to scare them but not enough to scare them away

He suddenly had an idea:

--

Yo Lord of Dogtown,

My name is Ed. I am a teenaged state alchemist. I am full of mutiny and rebelliousness. I wag school, binge drink and have no respect for my elders, obey me or I will be forced to unleash my teenage angst on you. Grr. Have a nice day!

Sincerely the Full Metal Alchemist

--

Ed decided that this wasn't any good either and that he really oughta go ask what Riza thinks he should say.

He walked out to the sitting room where Al and Winry were playing cards.

'I use my **ace of diamonds** to fuse my **jack of clubs **and my **king of hearts **to make **A QUEEN OF SPADES! **THEN I CAN **ATTACK YOU DIRECTLY!' **

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'

'um... guys? I'm just going out to see Riza, I'm taking the laptop by the way'

'no problem brother'

Ed walked out the front door into the crisp spring air.

It felt so good that he wanted to sing.

'_I'm siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinging in the rain! Just siiiiiiiiiiining in the rain!'_

Well he _did_ sing that song until someone chucked a beer bottle at his head.

'FINE!' he shouted 'I'LL SING SOMETHING WITH BETTER TASTE!'

'MY ALCHEMY BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO MY HOME!

AND THEY'RE LIKE, THE PHILOSIPHERS STONE?

DAMN RIGHT! I'M LOOKING FOR IT!

I COULD GIVE YOU A LEAD, BUT I DONT WANT TO'

'That's much better' said the random guy with a beer bottle. Which on closer inspection Ed discovered it was Scar.

'Oh hey Scar! How's life going?'

'Oh you know, same old same old. Killing all state alchemists'

'oh really? I recently became one again, just on my way over to see Riza right now...'

He was cut off by scar using his **Ultimate Arm Of Ultimate Supremecy™ **on him.

Which exploded him from the inside quickly and painlessly.

Scar then casually walked away.

Jordan then appeared and was totally **PISSED.**

He was so angry that I'm not even gonna bother censoring it.

He sighed and then he once again clapped his hands three times, spun around in a circle and broke into a rousing chorus of 'the longest time'

Resetting the day once again.

--

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with a **THUD**

He quickly checked the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

He quickly used alchemy (without a circle, oooooooooh) to inflict more pain upon the cat.

'**MOTHER YAOIING FATHER OF YAOIING YAOI WITH A YAOI YAOI CROATON MONK THAT YAOIS WITH A YAOI ON A YAOI THAT YAOI'S MORE THAN A YAOIING YAOI THAT HAS JUST YAOIED ALL OVER HIS DESK THAT IS YAOIED OUT OF YAOI!'**

**--**

**(1) Hehe a little inside joke with my friend...**


	4. Note to self: Never call Winry 'Winster'

**Hey to anyone who's reading this**

**Probably no one**

**Oh well**

**Whatever...**

***feels quite rejected***

**Ash**

**Previously on this story:**

**---------**

'hey noob, how's it going?'

'not bad, yourself?'

'oh well I'm not all that good. Just got fired'

'oh really? What for?'

'I bought one of those shirts, you know the ones with the drums in them that you can play?'

'yeah...'

'well I was playing it at work and then I got fired!'

'just for playing drums at work?'

'I also took a dump in the coffee pot'

'eww...'

'Hey y'all! Ross here to move the plot foreword and end all awkward moments!'

'thank god'

'believe me babe, luck had...'

'JIRAIYA GET OUT! YOU WERE HERE FOR ONE CHAPTER! WE DONT NEED RANDOM CAMEOS FROM OTHER ANIMES!'

'did someone say random cameo from other animes?'

'Haru, get out!'

'I'm sorry? I don't think I heard you correctly...'

'I said GET OUT HATSAHARU SOHMA!'

'uuh Roy, that wasn't a particularly brilliant idea...'

'actually every idea by me is brilliant, coz i'm smexy'

'but he will go...'

'COME HERE AND TELL ME THAT TO MY FACE!'

'...black'

'COME HERE LITTLE GIRL I GOTTA TEACH YOU A LESSON!'

'now they've gone outside...'

'hopefully Roy can convince him to leave. There were a couple of fruits basket characters a few chapters ago...'

'who were they?'

'Kyo and Yuki I think...'

'did someone call?'

'KYO GET OUT OF HERE!'

'oh good Kyo's here. A worthy opponent, who is worth fighting! Considering I beat up Roy in less than two minutes'

'holy yaoi! He beat up Roy in less than two minutes!'

'son of a gun you're right!'

'oh great. He's black, who's the genius who made him go black?'

'that would be Roy...'

'nice... anyway I'm gonna take Haru home now. probably see you in another chapter, ash loves me after all'

'that's nice...'

'hopefully we don't get any **more **cameos from other animes...'

'did someone say 'cameos from other animes'?'

'ALLEN WALKER?!?!? What are you doing here? And how do you speak English...'

'I honestly don't know'

'at least you are not from pokemon...'

'DID SOMEONE SAY ASH KETCHUM IS GONNA BE THE ULTIMATE POKEMON MASTER?!?!'

'no'

'oh sorry, my mistake. Carry on'

'so what actually happened in the last chapter?'

'holy yaoi! Someone actually wants to know?'

'yes as a matter of faction, I do'

'why don't you just read the rest?'

'because I can't read'

'oh well that makes sense'

-------

**On with the story!**

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with a **THUD**

He quickly checked the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

He quickly used alchemy (without a circle) to inflict more pain upon the cat.

then he decided to think through everything he knew so far:

**fact: **he was trapped in some kind of time loop

**fact: **he didn't know how to fix it

**fact: **he needed to write a letter to the lord of Dogtown

**fact: **he needed Al's laptop to do it

**fact: **he definitely needed to saw of Als face so he couldn't do that deathstare

**fact: **he needed to call Winry to make Al let him

he decided to call Winry on the mobile that just randomly appeared in his hand.

'hey Winster!!!!!!!' he said when she picked up and immediately the line went dead.

About ten minutes later there was a knock at the door, and then he heard Al **open** the door. Then he heard someone stomping up the stairs. Then the door opened and everything went black as he had just been hit with a spanner.

------

When he awoke he was wet and in a brown sack and it felt like he was moving.

Damn, they'd thrown him in a river again.

He decided to replay his favourite episode of that anime show with the buskers in his mind to pass the time before he fell off a waterfall or something equally terrifying

'_I'm not gonna let you leave emo guy!' said the annoying blonde one to the emo one._

'_you can't stop me. I'm already a much better musician than you. But if I ever plan on avenging my brother for putting my family out of business and making them all commit suicide, I need to go join the creepy paedophile guy on emo farm' said the emo one as he strummed a note on his sharinguitar._

'_AHHHHHH!' screamed the annoying one as he tried to fight back but couldn't._

'_you're weak. I'm going to play my Chidorums so good that you will never want to play music ever again!'_

'_fine I'll just have to use my Recordengan!'_

'_**CHIDORUMS! THOUSAND HIGH HATS!'**_

'_**RECORDENGAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'**_

_They both hit at an extreme force with the same pitch and volume and expert timing, as they both were truly talented musicians._

Ed suddenly snapped out of his daze as he felt himself being pushed into an incredibly sharp rock.

'owwwwwwww!' he yelled out.

Then he realized that he could probably use alchemy to free himself from the bag.

So he did!

He then found himself in the middle of a river holding onto a sharp rock.

'hmmm' he said aloud.

Then decided to analyse the situation.

**Fact: **Winry had knocked him out, put him in a bag and chucked him in a river for calling him Winster.

**fact: **to stay on Winry's good side, don't call her Winster

**fact: **Al probably helped

**fact: **there were too many facts here, where were the fictions?

...

**fiction: **his deodorant smelt like chocolate

**fact: **he was planning on suing

**fact: **he couldn't think of any more fiction

he decided to go pro's and cons.

**Pro: **he was incredibly sexy

**Con: **he was stuck in a raging river holding onto a sharp rock that was cutting into his hand

**Pro: **he **was** incredibly sexy

**Con: **he was also stuck in a time loop.

**Pro: **he could turn his arm into a sword

**Con: **he and his brother were totally screwed

**Pro: **he looked good in leather pants

**Con: **he needed a haircut

**Pro: **he was probably gonna die soon and wouldn't need one anyway

**Con: **he was probably gonna die soon

**Pro: **he was probably gonna die soon so it didn't matter if his hair looked decent or not, he could cut it himself!

After coming to a conclusion he turned his arm into a **mass sword **and promptly cut off his braid.

'there that's better' he said to himself

'hey kid do you need any help?' asked a random voice from the shore 'I've been watching you for the last twenty minutes'

'no I do not need any help!' he said sternly.

'are you sure? You're like covered in blood. You're probably gonna pass out...'

Ed didn't hear the rest of whatever the person said coz he has already passed out.

And no it is **not** cliché because he passed out due to dehydration not blood loss.

----------

When Ed awoke he had absolutely no yaoiing idea where he was or why he was covered in blood. but considering he was a state alchemist and also a pimp, he was used to waking up in random locations covered in random fluids

Oh yes I went there.

But as I was saying, since he was used to this kind of thing he didn't freak out. At all.

.....

'WHERE THE YAOI AM I!?!?' screamed Ion from trinity blood, who had randomly appeared in Ed and Als living room, where al and Winry were watching their favourite anime show about buskers.

'_you suck' said the guy with the dog._

'_what the hell does that mean?' asked the annoying blonde one_

'_it __**can**__ mean you are a terrible busker with no sense of direction. But mostly it means you suck' Said the guy with the dog_

'_oh that's it! You are going down! __**RECORDENGAN!'**_

_The dog guy easily dodged it, coz he's cool like that_

'_you are a bit of a hotshot there bro, lighten up. Not my fault you suck'_

'_**grrrrr! SHADOW CLARINET!'**_

'_ok you're asking for it! __**FLUTE OVER FALSETTO!**__'_

'_p..p..please s..stop fighting!' stuttered that one with the stutter_

Sadly, Al and Winry were disrupted from their viewing by the appearance of a vampire in their living room.

'who are you?' asked Winry

'like I should tell you, filthy Terran'

'what the yaoi is a Terran?' asked Al, who was a bit freaked by how familiar Ions voice sounded **(1)**

'wait you aren't Terrans?'

'no...' said Al and Winry together

'ill be off now' Ion then disappeared using awesome vampire powers.

'that was wierd'

'at least he wasn't from pokemon'

'DID SOMEONE SAY ASH KETCHUM IS GONNA BE THE ULTIMATE POKEMON MASTER?!?!'

'no' replied Al and Winry in unison

'oh sorry, my mistake. Carry on'

----------

**Anyways** back to Ed.

Who was not freaking out.

'where am I?' he asked calmly

'in my house. Now who are you?'

'wait, you don't know?' Ed looked up and saw an extremely pretty girl.

She had bright blue eyes and long blonde hair, she reminded Ed a bit of Winry and he hoped she wasn't as violent

'no' she replied.

'but... I'm the Fullmetal alchemist! Everyone knows me!'

'wait, Fullmetal alchemist?' she thought for a moment 'I've heard **of** you... but... I don't watch anime.'

'what's anime?'

'never mind... now tell me, why were you in a river?'

'coz my brother and his girlfriend chucked me in there.'

'uhhuh... why is your arm made of metal?'

Ed looked down and noticed for the first time that he was shirtless.

'it's a really long story' he said as he tried to stand up.

He failed.

He fell back down but somehow landed on his head.

'owwwwwwww!!!'

'I have absolutely no idea how you did that' said the girl 'but you lost a lot of blood so I wouldn't try any of that...'

Ed noticed then that his arm was covered in scars. Actually, _all_ of him was covered in scars!

'how the yaoi did one rock do all that?!!?'

The girl looked embarrassed.

'well you see, while you were knocked out I wanted to check if my new knife set was sharp enough and well, nothing beats human flesh for testing that kind of thing!'

Ed stared at her for a minute

'who the yaoi **are** you?'

'oh I'm sorry, my name is Teneille **(2)**. And I wouldn't be that ungrateful. I **did** just save your life after all.'

'whatever... any idea where we are?'

'we are in my house' she repeated.

'and where's that?'

'gaybo way' she said

Ed started laughing

'no kidding, where are we?'

'in the bat cave' she said

'as if!' said Ed as he looked around.

He then noticed the **mass** batmobile that was next to them

'ok... so maybe we are...' he said as he ran his hand through his hair, only to discover it wasn't there!

'GAAAAAAAAA! I CUT IT IN THE RIVER BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'he screeched.

'huh?' Teneille was puzzled. 'oh right! I had a message for you.'

'what was that?'

'if you want to find a way out of the time loop I suggest you go find Cassandra, but you didn't hear it from me.'

'then who did I hear it from?'

Teneille didn't reply

'ok... who's Cassandra?'

'yeah Cassandra.' Said Teneille, hiding her evil grin.

'ok... well thanks but no thanks. I'm gonna go commit suicide now'

'what??!!? Why??!?!'

'because I cut off my braid and now I no longer have a reason to live, BYE!'

He promptly left Teneille standing there puzzled.

------------

Ed stood at the top of a roof and looked out.

'well this is it' he said

He stood on the ledge and felt the urge to sing, so he picked a song that seemed appropriate

'_now I'm standing on the rooftop READY TO FALL!  
I think I'm at the edge now but I COULD BE WRONG!  
I'm standing on the rooftop ready to FAAAAAAAALL!!!!!!!!'_

Someone from down below heard him singing rise against and was mesmerized.

They quickly teleported up to the top of the building.

'you sir! Have the most amazing talent I have ever shibammed!!!!!!' said Mark Holden excitedly

But then was chased down by a group of exorcists who had decided he was evil.

Ed was just standing there puzzled when he appeared back home.

---------

'what the yaoi!!?' he asked when he saw Al and Winry standing there.

'hey brother! We brought you here using magic!'

'oh that makes sense...'

Al gave him the classic Alphonse Deathstare™ and he shut up, simply accepting magic.

Then he heard Winry gasp

'Ed! What did you do to your hair!'

'I know it's terrible! I thought I was gonna die so I cut it'

'but it looks hot! Makes you look even smexier!'

'what?'

'and if you don't think it looks good then you should just commit suicide!'

'well that's what I was gonna do...'

'then do it, go on. Take these pills' she handed him a jar of pills.

'where the yaoi did you get that from?'

'do you really want to know?'

'not really...'

'good answer brother. Now go kill yourself so I can see what happens'

'wait why are you egging me on Alphonse? Aren't I the only family you have left now?'

'no, I asked Winry to marry me. I don't need you any more.'

'oh...'

'so go kill yourself brother'

'oh ok. I guess. If that's what everyone wants...'

Al and Winry nodded enthusiastically

Ed shrugged and downed the bottle of pills.

He fell to the floor and Jordan appeared in a fit of rage.

'OH MY YAOI YOU GUYS! WHY THE YAOI DID YOU DO THAT?!?!?'

'who the yaoi are you?'

'the one who has to fix this!' said Jordan as he clapped his hands three times, spun around in a circle and broke into a rousing chorus of 'the longest time'

Resetting the day once again.

Again.

------------

When Ed woke up there was a cat sleeping on his head.

He chucked the cat the other side of the room, it landed with a **THUD**

He quickly checked the date on his little calendar, Thursday October 16th.

'**ASH KETCHUM IS GONNA BE THE ULTIMATE POKEMON MASTER!!!!!!!'** he screamed

But hey... at least his hair was back to normal.

'Did someone call me?'

-------

**(1) -sigh- I love Aaron Dismuke**

**(2)Hahaahahha, TAKE THAT!!!!**


End file.
